One-Minute Man, Act 2
I would like to start by apologizing to my loyal readers for the delay of this post. I know the suspense has been killing you!
After our magical Starbucks “date” and steamy kiss in the parking lot I went home to get some much needed shut eye. And thank God I left when I did, my makeup was starting to look pretty beat! When I got home I was pleasantly surprised that I had already gotten a text from him…what did not shock me was what it said, “Home (and how much were you thinking of banging me while you were driving home?)” Yea, ummm….Im pretty sure I was just thinking of getting to my bed, or how much I love Kool Aid, pretty much anything but that! Later that day, after some much needed sleep, as I laid in bed wondering what the hell I had just gotten myself into I received the sweetest, most romantic text regarding our plans for later that evening;
"I was thinking you come over and we just go at it like crazy, that would get any first time awkwardness out of the way, then we eat, then go at it like crazy."
DONE AND DONE!!! Wow, how romantic! So naturally I got all “prepped” for the sexcapade that was to take place later that evening. By the time I finally found his stupid apartment I just wanted to get it over with. His apartment was very tidy, but it was still obvious a guy lived there. I was there probably a total of 3 minutes before we were locking lips on his couch, and then moved to the bedroom, which I swear doubled as storage for perishables because it was freezing. Things moved pretty quickly from there. There was some foreplay, which he was good at shockingly. Now, from this point on is how he earned his nick name. The “deed” probably lasted about 20 seconds, and I’m being generous. No. Joke. As we laid there after, he was talking about himself of course, and I was remembering that he did warn me about that, and his subpar penis. He was ready to go again shortly after. Now, what happened next truly shocked me. There was no foreplay this time, and the second time lasted MAYBE 5-10 seconds longer then the first! Which means combined our sexuals lasted about a minute! He spent more time talking about his freckles that formed constellations on his belly (it happened, I can’t even make that up)!!! When he finished he looked at me like a scared kid then uttered the phrase, “you must just do it for me.” Was that supposed to make me feel better about this disaster?! Oh, and I forgot to mention that he refused to turn the lights off the entire time. That made it extra hard to hide the look of pure disappointment on my face. We laid there, again, for a bit (one guess what the topic was) before he said, “do you mind if I kick you out at 10:30?” I was way ahead of him and already getting dressed. I could not get out of there fast enough. The whole car ride home all I could think was how I shaved and put makeup on for THAT!
I got a text from him a couple of weeks later saying that he didn’t see us going anywhere. NO SHIT!